


I don't know what's worse: Drowning beneath the waves or dying of thirst

by Technicallyarevenant



Series: Some days I feel everything at once [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Bruce Wayne Has Issues, Bruce Wayne Tries, Depression, Dick Grayson Tries, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Flashbacks, Good Grandparent Alfred Pennyworth, Hurt Jason Todd, Jason Todd Feels, Jason Todd Has Issues, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Jason-Centric, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Alfred Pennyworth, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2020-10-18 02:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20631497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Technicallyarevenant/pseuds/Technicallyarevenant
Summary: Really, at this point, it doesn’t surprise Jason that Bruce trusts Jason about as much as he trusts the other loonies that he throws in Arkham. It shouldn’t hurt, it shouldn’t, but it does, and to Jason that’s the worst part. That he knows he’s done more than enough to gain Bruce’s distrust, that he’s continually shown Bruce that trusting him doesn’t end well for anyone involved, including Jason, and yet...it still sends a shooting pain into his heart. The same shooting pain he felt when he was 15, angry at Bruce for not believing him about Garzonas, for not trusting him, and for telling him what to do, causing him to run away, and get beaten nearly to death by the Joker and subsequently blown up. Jason should be used to it, but he isn’t.





	1. I don't know what's worse: Drowning beneath the waves or dying of thirst

**Author's Note:**

> It's here!!! I had originally planned for this to just be a single chapter, like the past two have been, but as I was nearing the end of this first chapter, I realized that a two part would be good and I also wanted to leave it on a cliffhanger, even if it really isn't a cliffhanger. If you haven't read the past two works in this series, I would recommend, that you read the second part in this series before you read this part. The first part isn't really necessary for this part, as it doesn't really add into this one, although I would appreciate if you did read it! Thank you for sticking with me, I know I take forever to update and I hope that this lives up to the last part!

It had been a week now since Jason had become swiss cheese, and Jason really wanted to leave. He had woken up to Alfred, and Jason’s not sure if Bruce knows of Jason's weakness for Alfred, but either way, a single look from Alfred quelled anything that might have come out of his mouth. That doesn’t, however, change the fact that Jason didn't want to be this close to Bruce for any longer. Or Dick. Or anyone else Bruce had decided to adopt. Jason had never liked staying in one place for long, and that had increased tenfold when Jason became The Red Hood. He’s going to make a break for it when Alfred finally leaves his side for more than two minutes. But that will still take some time, because Alfred is Alfred, and trying to keep a secret from him is impossible, especially if he gives you the look. As soon as Alfred gives you the look, you're bound to spill every single secret you foolishly thought you could keep from him. Alfred, however, will usually keep the secret to himself as long as it isn't going to cause anyone, including yourself, harm. 

Alfred. Jason had always loved Alfred when he was younger, and he still does. The difference now between his younger self and current self, is that he doesn't think he's worthy of Alfred's love anymore. Something that is part of the reason why he wants to leave the mansion so badly, that and what he’d already previously stated. Jason's also not really sure why Bruce hasn't already kicked him out, and the only reason Jason can really think of at the moment, is because of Alfred, but Jason's really not sure, because how could Alfred still love him? After everything that Jason has done, how could Alfred even take care of him while he's injured instead of just letting him die like he deserves? How could he possibly be worth it at this point? If he thinks about it, Alfred is probably just looking over him while he heals because of some strange obligation to make sure that Jason doesn’t die. Maybe Alfred still feels guilty over not being able to help Jason in Ethiopia, or maybe Alfred is just a good person and doesn’t want to see anyone die. Even a monster like Jason. Although, at this point, Jason wouldn’t mind if Alfred would just let him die. But Alfred won’t let him. Dick won’t let him, and surprisingly, Bruce won’t let him. Jason can’t really remember what happened after he passed out, or anything that happened when he first got to the manor. Not that it matters, but Jason assumes that’s when all the important conversations took place, and Jason likes being in the know. Besides, Jason doubts that any of them would tell him what was said while Jason was unconscious, even if he asked nicely. Which he wouldn't. 

With that in mind, Jason hefted himself up into a sitting position, groaning slightly at the tugging sensation from the stitches in his chest, Alfred had been gone for more than half an hour, so Jason assumed it was safe to leave. It wasn’t as if Jason hadn’t had worse, but it also never felt good when you got shot in the chest. Especially if you were shot multiple times. Jason looked around, trying to decide if trying walk around right now without anyone nearby would be a good idea. He hadn’t really walked around for the past week and Jason wasn’t really sure if his legs could handle walking around without any support. Jason gripped the metal rails on the bed, Alfred had been too worried about tearing his stitches, causing him to lose more blood than he already had, so they had kept him in the cave in the medical ward. Not that Jason minded, actually going into the manor, for the first time in years, would probably not be good for Jason’s mental health. Something that was already very bad. And yes, Jason would be the first to admit that he didn’t have good mental health, albeit not out loud. And especially not in the cave. Jason doesn’t doubt that there’s a shitton of bugs hidden around, making sure that Jason doesn’t somehow do something against Bruce’s code.

Really, at this point, it doesn’t surprise Jason that Bruce trusts Jason about as much as he trusts the other loonies that he throws in Arkham. It shouldn’t hurt, it shouldn’t, but it does, and to Jason that’s the worst part. That he knows he’s done more than enough to gain Bruce’s distrust, that he’s continually shown Bruce that trusting him doesn’t end well for anyone involved, including Jason, and yet...it still sends a shooting pain into his heart. The same shooting pain he felt when he was 15, angry at Bruce for not believing him about Garzonas, for not trusting him, and for telling him what to do, causing him to run away, and get beaten nearly to death by the Joker and subsequently blown up. Jason should be used to it, but he isn’t.

Jason’s grip on the metal bars tighten for a moment, and he grits his teeth, he needs to stop dwelling on things that don’t matter. Things that haven’t mattered in a long time. Gaining Bruce’s trust back isn’t realistic, nor is it an option. Not anymore. Even if Jason tried, and he doubts that Bruce would even let him try, Bruce would probably do the Batman equivalent of laughing in someones face, and tell Jason that he’d never trust him, not after everything that Jason has done. So Jason loosens his grip on the bars once again, and lifts himself up from the bed, trying to keep his legs steady and not fall on the ground and alert Alfred. Jason ends up gritting his teeth again as he tries to ignore the fact that his chest is slowly starting to feel like it’s on fire, because he’s not sure when the last time he got a dose of the good stuff, and he burns through it quicker than the others because of his dip into the pit of immortality goo that makes you go crazy. He stumbles slightly, his legs trying to adjust to supporting Jason’s weight again. He hisses slightly when the stumble causes the stitches in his chest to tug again, and god Jason hopes they didn’t rip, he didn’t want to deal with stitching himself back up again when he got back to one of his safe houses.

Jason stands still for a moment after he gets himself completely upright, fighting off the dizziness of standing up suddenly after having been laying down for so long. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, but, again, Jason had, had worse before. He exhaled through his nose before stumbling over to his shoes. As much as Jason would like to leave right this moment, walking through Gotham without shoes on was pretty much asking for some sort of STD for stepping on someone's thrown out heroin needle. Jason tried his best to tie them once he finally tugged them on, but gave up after his fingers refused to work properly for him. He settled for leaving them untied and continued to stagger around and gather his stuff, pulling on his jacket once he found it. It was freezing in the cave, and Jason refused to be cold with this many wounds in his chest. Jason hated the cold. And he hated the heat. The cold reminded him of waking up in a box, clawing his way out and feeling the blinding cold that rained down upon him as the Gotham sky weeped for its fallen prince of Gotham. The heat reminded him of Ethiopia, of the blast that scorched his skin and left him dead, the same blast that made sure that Jason would never be with his family again, that nothing would ever be the same. It reminded him of the Joker, the man who beat him with a crowbar. The man who asked him “What hurts more? A? Or B? Forehand? Or backhand?”. The man who should be dead.

Jason had collected all of his shit, or, most of it at least. He wasn’t sure where his guns were, but he didn’t feel like looking for them. It was fine, he had more than enough, losing two wouldn’t affect him, it was just annoying. He looked back once more, making sure that there wasn’t anything that was obviously his lying about and started to head towards the exit for the cave, hopefully he could make it far enough, or Bruce wouldn’t care enough, so that nobody would catch him. Jason is in no shape to make some sort of great escape, so he just settles with stumbling out of the cave and beginning the long, long walk back to one of his safe houses.


	2. Warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It may come as shock to many, but Jason actually has emotions that aren't rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for waiting patiently, I know it took a while to get this update up. Turns out writers block can happen even when you love the story you're writing. However, my kind readers, I have officially decided to expand this story into more than 2 chapters. I just felt like I needed to get something out, and that I wanted to continue the story more than I might have in just 2 chapters. I hope you enjoy this one, it took me a while to be happy with it, and I'm still not quite there yet.

Luckily, Jason hadn’t ripped his stitches after he’d left the cave, but they definitely still hurt, especially after walking so far. Honestly, Jason doesn’t think his chest could hurt more right now, he hasn’t taken any painkillers, although that’s mostly because he hadn’t stocked the safe house he made his way to for a while. The only thing he had was an old, probably expired, bag of frozen carrots, and it was doing little to help much of anything, and only making him feel more cold in the unheated apartment in Gotham winter. If Jason wasn’t so fucking tired, he’d probably go buy some kind of space heater from the nearby store, but Jason feels like if he moved from his current position on the couch, he would regret it almost immediately. So Jason just curled up more on the sagging couch, and pulled one of the only blankets he had over himself. If he fell asleep right now, maybe when he woke up in the morning it wouldn’t be quite as cold. He almost misses the searing pain he felt when the shock finally wore off, it at least made him feel warm.  
\------  
Surprisingly, Jason did fall asleep, and he slept a lot longer than he usually did, probably because his body was trying to heal itself. It’s only slightly warmer than it was last night, but Jason thinks that at least now he can go pick a space heater up from the store. Or he could go to a different safehouse that actually had heating and pain killers. Killing two birds with one stone was sounding like the better option, because then he wouldn’t even need to buy anything. The only problem was, he didn’t have his bike, which means he would need to walk. Jason rubbed his hands together to try and heat them up while he thought about it for a second, the twinge in his side told him to do it. Jason thinks he might actually have something stronger than ibuprofen there too, something that Jason really, really wanted right now. Jason rolled his shoulders and left the current space he was occupying so he could make his way to the next space he would be occupying. (He brought the blanket too)  
\------  
Jason’s pretty sure his lips have turned blue, and that his toes are frozen, but he’d made it to his home. Or, well, the closest thing he has to a home. It was his nicest bolthole and none of the bats had found it yet. It was one of the nicest places he’d lived, and was actually on a nicer side of Gotham. It had heating, electricity, warm water, and people who turned a blind eye to a man with multiple bullet wounds lumbering in through the back window. He actually liked the place and would like the bats to continue to not know about its location.  
As soon as he walked in, he sighed in relief. The heat hadn’t been turned on yet, but there wasn’t any holes in the walls or any kind of weird drafts, so it was already warmer in here than it was outside. Jason set his stuff down by the door after closing and locking it, and immediately made his way over to the thermostat to turn the heat on. He also decided he would try taking a shower, hoping that it would be warmed up by the time he was done. Jason grabbed warmer clothes from the dresser in his bedroom, a pair of fluffy sweatpants, a sweater, a hoodie to go over the sweater, and socks. Jason liked to bundle up during the winter, after he’d gotten back to Gotham, he somehow always felt cold. Apparently dying and coming back to life made you feel cold all the time, even if you’d spent most of your life living in colder temperatures. It was now a habit of Jason’s to put on warmer clothes even if it wasn’t necessarily cold out.  
Jason rolled his shoulders and sat down on his couch, keeping a hand on his side as he lowered himself slowly. He let out a quiet sigh of relief and leaned back into the cushions of the couch, and unlike the couch that he had slept on last night, it didn’t make a strange crunching sound when he moved. Jason’s side gave the occasional twinge, but it wasn’t as bad as it was last night, the warm air probably helping quite a bit. Jason lets his eyes fall shut for a moment, falling asleep without realizing.

\------  
Jason woke up with a start when he heard his window open and flinched when he reached for the gun he kept under his pillow, only to realize that he’d fallen asleep on his couch, and the closest gun to him was with the rest of his gear at the front door.  
Jason stood as slowly and as quietly as he could- he had forgotten to turn the lights on when he came in because it was still daylight when Jason had made it to this safehouse, so it seemed both he and the intruder had a bit of an advantage.  
Jason made a point of walking as quietly as possible to his front door, and had the sudden realization that Bruce had taken both of his guns and all that Jason currently had was a knife. Jason made a face in the darkness before grabbing the knife quickly, he turned around just as quickly as he grabbed the knife, only to come face to face with a domino mask.  
Jason exhaled heavily, dropping his hand with the knife, “The hell do you want Dick?”  
He couldn’t see through the white lenses, but Jason assumed that Dick probably rolled his eyes, “I came to check on you, B was a little worried that you ran away so quickly while you were still wounded.”  
Jason snorted, “Right, because B cares so much.”  
Dick stared at him for a few moments, “He does care, that’s why I’m here Jason.”  
Jason laughed again, stopping only when Dick stayed silent, “What, you’re actually being serious?”  
“Yes Jason, I’m actually being serious. I know it may come as a shock, but I’m not always cracking a joke every five seconds.”  
Jason cleared his throat, raising a hand to rub at his side slightly, a slight pulse of pain going through the wound. “Whatever, even if B really did care, he didn’t come here himself so you don’t really have to tell B much, such as where I’m currently staying. Right?”  
Dick stared for a few more seconds, “Do you really hate us that much Jason?”  
Jason said nothing for a moment, balking slightly at the way Dick said it, “What, you think I hate you guys?” Jason’s laugh quick and had an undertone of disbelief, “Pretty sure it’s always been the opposite Goldie.”  
It was Dick’s turn to laugh, “No Jason, it’s never been us hating you. You’re the one who always avoids us when we try to talk to you.”  
Jason threw his hands up, “Tell that to Bruce, he’s the one who beat me so hard my fucking helmet shattered and left me to die.”  
Anything that Dick might have said to that died before the words the could reach the air, “I’m sorry what?”  
Jason shook his head, a bitter smile forming on his lips, “What, he never told you? That doesn’t surprise me, considering he never tells anyone anything. Like he never came to you after I died the first time and you had to figure it out on your own. Like he never told you when I became Robin. He’s a flake who never does what anyone expects of him, even if you’re expecting him to flake. He’ll treat you like a son and the moment you do something he doesn’t like, he makes you an example to those who come after you so they know what not to do.”  
Dick fidgeted, before he turned his back to Jason, “I have to go, I’ll be back.”  
Jason scoffed, “Whatever Goldie, go ahead and leave, I don’t care.” Jason didn’t include the fact that he did care, actually, he cared a lot. There were many things that Jason should regret and didn’t, and things he shouldn’t regret but did anyways, and one of those was not trying to reconcile with his family when he came back from the dead.  
Jason said nothing else as Dick left through the window, before he turned around, taking the knife still in his hand into his room, shoving it into his nightstand. He stomped over to his closet, opening the safe installed into the wall and grabbed one of the guns so he could stash it under his pillow. It took a few more minutes for Jason to realize the warmth dripping down his face were tears. He wiped a hand down his face angrily, he shouldn’t be crying, this whole situation was stupid and just another reason for Jason to stay away from Bruce and his merry band of vigilantes.  
Jason exhaled shakily before sitting down on his bed, he probably looked stupid yelling in front of Dick like that, still half asleep and in the most layers Dick had probably ever seen him wear. His socks had penguins on them. Jason sniffed quietly, whatever, he’d gotten Dick to leave like Jason wanted. Was that what Jason wanted? He’d gotten a feeling of disappointment when Dick left through the window, even if he hadn’t wanted to feel disappointed.  
Whatever, it didn’t matter anyway, he was gone now and Jason could go back to sleep. Jason looked over at his clock, 1 am. Normally he’d be out patrolling right now, but he really didn’t feel like it tonight. The others could pick up the slack tonight without him. Jason rubbed his side slightly, if he took some painkillers the pain would be gone but he’d also be out of it for however long it takes the painkillers to wear off, and he doesn’t want to deal with Dick on painkillers if he comes back.  
Jason didn’t take any painkillers. He’d be fine. He laid down after making sure all of his windows were locked and covered by curtains. He pulled a blanket over himself and closed his eyes. He didn’t fall asleep right away, but he did eventually.  
\-------------  
Jason woke up to a beam of light shining directly in his eyes from the crack between his curtains. Jason groaned and rolled over, checking the time briefly before covering his head with a pillow. The sun was far too bright to just be shining into his eyes like that when he wakes up. He was warm and comfortable and he didn’t want to get up just yet.  
Wait. Jason cracked an eye open and rolled back over to look at his window. Jason had pinned his curtains together, a force of habit he’d developed when he was younger to help keep the cold out. Jason’s hand creeped to the gun he’d put under his pillow last night before he stood up, looking around for any other kind of sign that someone had come in while he was sleeping. He got up and crept silently to the window, pushing the curtain aside gently to look outside to check if he could see anyone. When he saw that there was no one that looked more suspicious than usual, he walked to his bedroom door. He opened the door slowly, ensuring that it made no noise as he peeked through the crack he’d made. He didn’t see anyone, but now he thinks he can hear someone.  
Jason holds the gun slightly higher before he opens the door enough to slip out while still making no noise. The noises sound like they’re coming from the kitchen, so Jason walks to the kitchen, glancing to the sides as he walks to make sure there’s no one else in the apartment.  
Once he reaches the kitchen, he leans slightly to look around the side of the archway that leads into the kitchen. He sees… Dick. Jason lets the gun fall, and he flips the safety back on.  
Dick must have heard something, because the next thing he knows, Dick is chattering excitedly at him. Jason just kind of stares, “What..are you doing here?”  
Dick stops talking for a second, his smile faltering, “I told you I’d be back? What, did you forget already?”  
Jason clears his throat, “No, I just didn’t expect you to actually come back.”  
Dicks smile has turned into a frown now, “Well I did, I am back and I have made you, uh,” he looks down at the frying pan he’s holding, filled with….eggs? “I made you eggs.”  
Jason looks a bit closer, “You sound hesitant, are you sure those are eggs?”  
Dick looks down at the pan again, “Uh, I mean, I cracked some eggs and I put them in this pan. So, as far as I know, yeah, they’re eggs.”  
Jason nods and takes the pan from Dick, “So most of the food in this place is kinda old, and I still need to go out and buy groceries. So these, while still eggs, are probably going to kill me if I eat them.”  
Dick looks back at the carton of eggs that he probably pulled from Jason’s fridge, “Oh, that’s probably why they smelled so bad.”  
Jason walks over and scrapes the eggs in the pan into the trash, “Sorry to burst your bubble Goldie, but you really gotta learn to cook or you’re going to end up killing your future girlfriend.”  
Dick snorted, “Yeah, whatever. There’s a reason Alfred pays so many visits to my apartment.”  
“You know that’s not a good thing right?”  
“Well, I get free cookies so I don’t really care.”  
Jason rolls his eyes, “Sure birdbrain, whatever you say.”  
Jason is turned around while he puts the pan into the sink, hopefully to get rid of the rotten egg smell so he can cook with it again, so he misses the hopeful look that Dick is giving him. What he doesn’t miss, however, is the giant hug that Dick pulls him into the moment he turns back around.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I’m hugging you, what does it look like?”  
“Like you’re attacking me with your arms.”  
Dick doesn’t say anything for a moment, but he keeps his arms wrapped around Jason, “I’m sorry that we ever made you believe we didn’t want you back with us.”  
Jason tenses, “I don’t see why-”  
“It matters? It matters because you ran away while still injured and scared the living christ out of Alfred. And it may come as a surprise, but,” He pulls back but still holds onto Jason’s shoulders, “Bruce was worried too.”  
At that Jason scoffs, pushing Dick’s hands off, “Yeah, sure, whatever you say Dick, trying to make Bruce look better isn’t gonna do ya any favors.”  
“I’m not trying to justify anything that Bruce has done, in fact I will join you in scorning him for everything that he has done against you, but he’s started to see what he was doing was wrong and-”  
Jason shakes his head, “Well it sure sounds like you’re trying to justify his actions to me, but what do I know?”  
“Jaybird if you’d just let me finish what I’m-”  
“What you’re saying?” Jason ignores the look that Dick sends him, turning back around to start scrubbing at the pan in the sink, and does his best to continue ignoring him when Dick comes back up behind him.  
“Jason Peter Todd, I am trying to talk, and you continuing to interrupt me when I am trying to do something that will help you is really starting to get on my nerves.”  
“Well don’t let me stop you Goldie, continue trying to convince me that I should come back to the heavily armed and dangerous dysfunctional family that is the Wayne family.”  
Dick grabs Jason’s shoulders once again and turns him around, looking him directly in the eyes, what were once a cerulean blue now an acid green meeting a softer blue. “Jason please, if you’d just come back to the manor for one day, maybe you could see that it’s not as bad as you think it is.”  
Jason stares at him, he’s not sure what to say. He’s spent so long running and hiding, doing his best to not interact with his family to help keep his sanity in tact, but as loathe as he is to admit it, he misses them. Misses knowing that someone always had his back when he went out. Had someone to keep him from being reckless enough to get himself killed. Kept him from wanting to get himself killed. Dick’s eyes are boring into his, and all Jason can do to keep himself from lashing out in fear of doing something wrong is look away.  
“What, would that make you feel better Goldie?”  
“Jason please look at me.”  
Jason doesn’t want to, but he does anyways, breath hitching when he sees the tears in Dick’s eyes. Jason doesn’t know what to do, he’s never been good with emotion, considering all he ever does is keep it bottled up until it all comes spilling out, usually in the form anger. But he takes a page out of Dick’s book and hopes he doesn’t end up regretting it when he reaches his own arms out to hug Dick. “Whatever, fine, I’ll go to the fucking manor if it means you stop looking at me like a kicked puppy.”  
“That’s all I ask Jason.”  
“Whatever.”


	3. A war in my head and in my heart (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Wow I'm alive, and incredibly sorry that this chapter has taken so long to come out, I've had some writers block and couldn't figure out how I wanted this chapter to go, but I got there eventually. I know it's short, and I'm sorry, but I wanted to get another part out so you guys weren't left waiting even longer for another chapter. This hasn't been edited yet, so if you see an error please point it out to me! Thank you guys so much for reading this story, I don't think I've ever had this much love for a story I've written before and I'm so appreciative of all those who have left comments and kudos, you guys are one of the reasons I keep writing.

Dick left again after suffocating Jason in another hug and telling him that he was “Excited to have his family all together again!” Ugh, okay Dick calm down, there’s no way he’d immediately be happy to see everyone except maybe Alfred nor does he think they’d be especially excited to be seeing him.  
Jason brushes off the anxiety that arises at the thought of facing Bruce without any type of armor. He tries not to think about why he’d have anxiety over seeing Bruce without armor because it’ll only bring back memories he doesn’t want to relive. Jason scratched at the raised line that makes its way across his throat. Everything will be fine, Alfred and Dick will be there and no one ever really tries to go against those two.  
\------  
Jason tries ignoring how truly excited Dick seems, his anxiety causing a pit to form in his stomach as he looks up at the manor that he ran away from what feels like forever ago. His hands are trembling so he shoves them in his pockets to hide them away. He’s probably the palest he’s been in a while and he feels like he’s going to throw up if he takes another step forward.  
Jason's so focused on trying to make himself look like he’s okay that he doesn't notice when Dick stops talking and places a hand on Jason's shoulder and gives him a worried look, “Are you okay Jay?”  
Jason startles slightly before he clears his throat, “Yeah, I'm fine, just haven’t been here in a while.”  
But even after Jason gives an answer, Dick’s still looking at him, “Jay, really, are you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.”  
Jason smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring smile, but just ends up being a grimace. “Yeah Dick, I'm sure.”  
Dick lets out a sigh, “Okay, let's go back to your apartment.”  
Jason gapes for a moment, “What? Why?”  
“Because you look like death warmed over.”  
Jason scoffs, “I said I was fine, what, you think I can't handle this?”  
Dick grabs Jason's other shoulder, turning him away from the manor and starting to lead him to the bike Dick drove them here on. “What I think is that I brought you somewhere that's making you sick before you even step inside.”  
Jason shrugs Dick’s hands off his shoulders, “Did you not hear what I said? I’m fine, I can handle this just fine and I don’t need your concern. I’ve taken on multiple armed men before while wearing hotpants and neon colors, this is like a walk in the park in comparison.”  
Dick groans, “Jason I’m trying to help, I don’t want to make you do something that will make you freak out or panic.”  
“Well you seemed especially keen on getting me to give Bruce and the others a chance but now that I’m here to do that you want me to chicken out? I already committed to coming, I’m not just gonna skip out on it now. Besides, I was looking forward to seeing Alfie again.”  
Dick stares at Jason for a moment, unmoving, before turning back around, “Fine, but the moment you even start to panic I’m getting you out.”  
Jason rolls his eyes, “Yeah, whatever Dickie-bird, I’ll be fine.” Jason doesn’t let on that he is, in fact, not going to be fine, because Jason is as stubborn as anyone else that was raised or mentored by Bruce Wayne.  
Jason pushes Dick forward to get him moving again, this time hopefully hiding the fact that the closer he gets to the front doors of the manor, the more the pit in his stomach grows. Jason wasn’t lying about looking forward to seeing Alfred again, but that is, in fact, the only thing he’s looking forward to. The thought of seeing Bruce again is making his stomach do interesting things that he hasn’t felt in a long time. Jason almost wishes for the times when the thought of seeing Bruce made him happy because he would be seeing his adoptive father. The fear and anxiety he feels seems wrong in his head, except he remembers all the things that Bruce has done to hurt him since Jason came back with guns blazing. Jason swallows hard and pushes those thoughts to the side, Dick said Bruce was trying to be better, so Jason would just have to give him a chance. Maybe this time Bruce would actually give Jason a chance as well.  
By the time they reach the front doors of the manor, Jason has managed to get his anxiety somewhat under control. Jason’s side twinges occasionally, reminding Jason of the fact that if a fight breaks out, Jason won’t be able to defend himself as well as he usually could. Jason really should have taken some painkillers before he came over, but it’s too late now to be admitting any weaknesses. Dick knocks on the door and Jason waits with bated breath for the doors to open. He only lets the breath he had been holding in out when Alfred opens the door, a smile on his face.  
“Master Dick, it’s good to see you again.” Jason does his best to not let his disappointment show when Alfred doesn’t address Jason but that is quickly remedied when Alfred turns to give Jason a pointed look, “And Master Jason, I’m glad to see you again, perhaps next time you will tell me you are leaving instead of simply disappearing and nearly giving an old man a heart attack.”  
Jason looks down and rubs the back of his neck, “Sorry Alfie, I guess I just forgot.” The only response Jason gets is a knowing hum before Alfred ushers them through the front doors and takes their coats.  
“Dinner shall be served soon, for now it would be best if the two of you waited in the living room with the others.” Is all Alfred says before he disappears back into the kitchen. Jason wishes he could just follow Alfred but Dick is pulling him into the living room and Jason feels like he’s about to puke all over the carpet and Jason really doesn’t want to make Alfred have to clean up any bodily fluids today.  
Dick and Jason enter the living room and it feels like all the air leaves his lungs when he sees Bruce. He looks... happy. And isn’t that weird? When was the last time Jason had seen Bruce happy? It feels like the last time he’d seen a smile on Bruce’s face was before Ethiopia. And then Bruce looks over and smiles at Jason and suddenly it feels like he’s been punched in the gut. There are only two other people in the room and Jason guesses the others didn’t feel comfortable being here tonight. Babs and a girl who he assumes has to be Cassandra.  
And then Bruce walks over and is speaking and Jason feels like he’s about to puke all over again, “Jason.” And he wants to curl into a ball and protect his injury, “It’s… good to see you again. I didn’t think you would come.”  
Jason gives a tight lipped smile, “Yeah, me neither old man.” And Jason fights the urge to flinch when Bruce hesitantly reaches up and places a warm hand onto his shoulder, and then he fights the urge to lean into it. Jason’s head feels like it’s being trampled on and his heart is going a mile a minute and he feels hot and cold all at once and one moment runs into the next and he doesn't know how to feel and his brain just shuts down and suddenly he's passed out.


End file.
